The Nanny Man

The Nanny Man

Author Notes: This is written both by Nick Lentz and myself. It's a humorous and random script that was made with the perhaps of perhaps being made into a flash animation, cartoon, or short comedy some day. Yet another project that was put on the back burner to probably never be accomplished!

This is not intended for younger readers.

Characters:

Victor (trying to rise back to the top)
Fetti Cinni (Victor's side kick)
Norm Hick (kid)
The Don (Not all there)
Cathy Hick (the mother)
Hobo (not all there)

Scene 1

(Dons Office)

The Don - (Inaudible talking)

(Body guard 1 enters)

Body Guard 1 - Don, McDonalds hasn't been paying their protection.

The Don - I'm with somebody talk to Tony

(Victor Enters)

Victor - You wanted to see me?

The Don - We have a slight problem, there's no mayonnaise on this sandwich.

Body Guard 1 - Sir, your condition...

The Don - I would shoot you now, but I'm running out of family. As I was saying you're out of the family business, Victor. Apparently, that incident with chicken feathers at the family's annual party didn't go over too well.

Victor - I thought this was about mayonnaise.

The Don - Don't change the subject. You're out, but you'll still have work. (Don hands Victor paper) Cathy Hick...

Victor (interrupts) - You want me to whack her?

The Don - Do not discuss your personal desires with me. She has a kid. You get to play nanny. Call the number and shell give you the time and place. Get out.

(Victor leaves)

(Don takes bite of sandwich)

Scene 2 (Next day)

(In city)

(Victor walking down sidewalk encounters a hobo)

Hobo - four times fifteen pieces is not...

Victor - What the hell did you say..?

Hobo - No I didn't!! Leprechaun! (Points at a dancing leprechaun)(Hobo laughs hysterically)

(Victor looks but there isn't anything there)

(Victor keeps walking to pay phone)

(Victor looks at paper)

Victor - Damn long distance..

Hobo -(passes by) Armageddon!!

(Victor dials number)

Cathy Hick - Put the hose down! Hello?

Victor - You have a job for me? You need a babysitter right?

Cathy - You have my address... pick him up at 7 P.M. And try to avoid where I work the corner of 5th and Maple. Oh, by the way, it's his birthday today so give him a good time. And don't forget to give him his pills he tends to get light headed every now and then. Later.

(Victor hangs up. He turns to exit phone booth.)

Hobo - (pushing his face against glass door) Bwahh... Zombies, they got me... Go on I'll be infected soon. (Hobo falls on sidewalk and spasms.)

(Victor takes alcohol bottle out of hobo's pocket. Takes a swig, looks at his watch and walks away. )

Scene 3

(Shows Fetti watching TV in recliner. Reaches down and starches his ass. He passes out. Surrounded by beer and cheese)

Scene 4

7:00 p.m. (in front of Cathys)

Victor pulls up on moped, gets off. Walks up to door and rings doorbell.

Cathy - You must be the guy.

Victor - That's me.

Norm - (walks into door) Mom where's my Mr. Robo Guy?

(Flashes back to Cathy cramming Mr. Robo Guy down toilet.)

Cathy (in flash back) - Goddamnit flush!!

Cathy - (present) I don't know Honey.. I gotta go

Norm - (excited and energetic) Oh my god oh my god! Do you know what today is?

(looking at calendar which reads "Tuesday the 25th", takes out liquor bottle) Uh.. Friday?

Norm - NO NO NO NO NO! It's my birthday! I have a cake! My mommy made it!
(both go into kitchen, cake is sitting on table. Camera cuts to cake, which has hair and cigarette butts in it)

Norm - My mommy said it was ber-bun flavored. And she said if I don't eat it then she'll have to give it to Sparkles.

(Camera cuts to reveal a three-legged dog with no tail.)

Victor - Cute dog kid. (Pulls out a cigarette) where's a lighter?

Norm - They're up in the no-no door. Mommy said that I can't have the lighter because what happened to the wooden man last time.

(flashback to living room. Shows a man with a wooden aesthetic leg talking to Cathy. Norm has a lighter.)

Cathy (flash back)- Yea, it'll be 70 bucks after we're through. Any requests during will cost extra.
(Norm crawls up to "wooden man" and lights his leg on fire)

Norm - (present) Wanna pet my chipmunk? (holds up a rat) I found him in my sheets this morning. Mommy says he's a gift from god.

Victor - Your mom says a lot huh kid?

Norm - Yea, especially when she drinks a guy named Mr. Daniels, he lives in a bottle.

Norm - I want my cake. I'm hungry and it's my birthday. (Sets his rat on table) Cake Cake Cake Cake!

Victor - Okay, kid. Calm down. Where is the no no door so I can get a lighter? (Victor and Norm exit
dining room into kitchen. Rat knocks a nearby bottle of Mr. Daniels liquor onto cake.)

(cuts to kitchen with Norm and Victor)

Norm - (pointing) It's way up there. Mommy says there's a magical lock on it so I can't get into it while she was working or upstairs watching horror movies.

Victor - Horror movies?

Norm - yeah, she usually has a man over and they go upstairs. See she doesn't tell me that they watch horror movies but I know, because I can hear them scream.

Victor - Hmph...

(removes magic lock (twisty tie) from the cupboard door handles) (Inside cupboard is a wad of money, some nose hair clippers, and a Mr. Happy Face lighter)

Victor - Here we god.

(Takes lighter into dining room... removes bottle from the cake. Norm sits in chair in front of cake. Victor lights candles on cake)

(Cell phone rings)

(Victor turns away from cake and Norm, who has a big smile on his face)

Fetti Cinni - Vick? Fetti. Hey man, I need your help. I got my hand stuck in my ass again.

(meanwhile candle falls into cake and sets it ablaze. Norm goes cross-eyed and passes out into the fire)

Victor - Oh c'mon man I'm busy... How'd you do it this time.

Fetti - I dunno man! I woke up, and it was in there and in there good. I mean like, I'm playing tug-o-war with my colon right now.

Victor - Okay, I'll be taking this kid to the batting cages around nine. Meet me there.

Fetti - But I don't know where the - (Victor hangs up phone) (Victor turns and faces Norm, who is on fire)

Victor - Damn!

(Hobo looks in window)

Hobo - AHHHH! (Hobo's right eye droops, hobo falls over)

(victor picks Norm's head up out of flaming cake, slams head against table to extinguish the flames)

(After flames are put out, Victor searches for Cathy's cell phone number. Finds it underneath rat, rat droppings are scattered about)

(Dials number)

Random male voice over phone - Oh, you like dat?

Cathy - (in bored voice) - Oh yea.. that's great...

(inaudible male voice being heard throughout call)

Victor - Uh, Cathy? You busy?

Cathy - oh, no. He's keeping himself entertained pretty well.

Victor - Hey, uh, Norm.. passed out on the.. uh.. couch, Um, what do I need to do to wake him up?

Cathy - Have you tried slapping him a bit?

(flashback to Victor banging Norm's head off table to put out flames)

Victor - Uh, yeah I'm pretty sure that's not gonna do it.

Cathy - Just ring the bell on the table twice then.

(Voice turns away from phone)

Cathy - You wanna play rough?!

Random male - Oh god! No! Nooooo!

(Victor hangs up)

(walk over to table and rings bell twice)

(Sparkles walks over to Norm and licks face)

Norm - AHHHHHHH!

(grab's dog's leg and rips it off"

(Hobo in window)

Hobo - Ahhhhh! (Left eye looks up while right is still looking down)(Falls over again)

(Dog is expressionless and tips over)

(Hobo running around with a cape and boxers on)

Scene 5

(Batting Cages)

(Norm has bandages on his head)

Norm - I'm bored, bored, bored, bored, borrreeeddd!

Victor - Go cut some paper or something. I'll be back.

(Victor goes to the paying booth, Hobo is in it)

Victor - Her can I get some uh, tok-uh, what are you doing?

Hobo - Dinner Dinner Dinner good chicken

(hobo is cooking a boot over a fire on the counter, flips the boot.. )(Token laying next to a gas can)
(victor takes

(Victor returns to Norm whos hand is impaled by scissors. Threes no paper anywhere)

Scene 6

(Inside Batting cages)

(Norms hand is bandaged with scissors still inside it)

Victor - Lets see if I still got it from high school load up that mutha.

(Norms loads pitching machine, hand with scissors get caught in launch tube)

Norm - Ahhhh!!!

(Hand gets pitched, Victor hits it with bat. Hand hits Norm in face)

(Breaks glasses), (Norm falls asleep)

Victor - Yeah! Home Run!

(Cuts to Hobo eating boot, drinking a canister of gasoline)

Hobo - Dancing Pineapples!

(Shows booth exploding)

(Cuts back to batting cages. Fetti is there he is wearing a cheese hat)

Fetti - You ready to take care of my problem?

(Norm is still sleeping)

(Victor and Fetti go to the car, Vic ties Fetti's submerged hand to cars muffler)

(Victor starts up car and pulls hand out of ass)

(Fetti is grasping the remote)

Fetti - Hmm.. I guess it would have been easier if I would have let go

Victor - Yeaaa...

(Victor heads back to get Norm, Norm is gone, hand is still laying there)

(Victor looks around and spots Norm in the distance)

(Norm is scared by a shadow and runs towards hobo thinking it's his mom)

Norm - Mommy!

Hobo - Grandpa!

Victor - Nooooooooooooo!

Fetti - What?

Victor - ..Nothing